"Warmest Regards" - Arts for All - 5th Annual Teacher-Penned Play Festival (2022) - Drama
DISGRUNTLED PARENT: Dear Professor, I understand you are bound by certain guidelines. However, I was hoping we could work together to resolve this issue. Best, Mrs. Roth.
MCGARRY: Per my previous email, federal regulations prohibit me from discussing a student’s grade or progress in class with anyone other than that student.
DISGRUNTLED PARENT: I am the one paying for this class, so I think I have the right to know about his progress.
PROFESSOR MCGARRY: Federal regulations prohibit me from discussing a student’s grade-
DISGRUNTLED PARENT: It’s not like I’m asking for nuclear launch codes. All I want to know is if-
PROFESSOR MCGARRY: Federal regulations-
DISGRUNTLED PARENT: Look, I’m just trying to help my son by-
PROFESSOR MCGARRY: Federal regulations-
DISGRUNTLED PARENT: This is ridiculous! I’m not one to get involved, but I just can’t just sit idly by and watch my son’s academic future collapse into chaos all because you can’t manage to find fifteen minutes to help him understand how he could do better. That’s your job isn’t it? To help students? So are you going to do your job or not?
(Pause.)
MCGARRY: Federal regulations prohibit me from discussing a student’s grade or progress in class with anyone other than that student. If your son has concerns about the class, I would encourage him to email me directly.
MCGARRY: Per my previous email, federal regulations prohibit me from discussing a student’s grade or progress in class with anyone other than that student.
DISGRUNTLED PARENT: I am the one paying for this class, so I think I have the right to know about his progress.
PROFESSOR MCGARRY: Federal regulations prohibit me from discussing a student’s grade-
DISGRUNTLED PARENT: It’s not like I’m asking for nuclear launch codes. All I want to know is if-
PROFESSOR MCGARRY: Federal regulations-
DISGRUNTLED PARENT: Look, I’m just trying to help my son by-
PROFESSOR MCGARRY: Federal regulations-
DISGRUNTLED PARENT: This is ridiculous! I’m not one to get involved, but I just can’t just sit idly by and watch my son’s academic future collapse into chaos all because you can’t manage to find fifteen minutes to help him understand how he could do better. That’s your job isn’t it? To help students? So are you going to do your job or not?
(Pause.)
MCGARRY: Federal regulations prohibit me from discussing a student’s grade or progress in class with anyone other than that student. If your son has concerns about the class, I would encourage him to email me directly.
"Grade Appeal" - Union County Playmakers New Play Festival (2022) - Drama
PENELOPE: You took ten points off my first essay because I submitted it late.
MCGARRY: The assignment was due by 11:59.
PENELOPE: I turned it in at 12:05.
MCGARRY: Which was after the assigned deadline.
PENELOPE: But ten points? It brought my essay grade down to a C.
MCGARRY : Would you have preferred an F?
PENELOPE: I would have preferred my grade reflected the work I put into the assignment and not the six minutes it took the browser to load.
View the full performance here.
MCGARRY: The assignment was due by 11:59.
PENELOPE: I turned it in at 12:05.
MCGARRY: Which was after the assigned deadline.
PENELOPE: But ten points? It brought my essay grade down to a C.
MCGARRY : Would you have preferred an F?
PENELOPE: I would have preferred my grade reflected the work I put into the assignment and not the six minutes it took the browser to load.
View the full performance here.
"Mixed Drink" - Queen City New Play Initiative (2022) - Drama
SISTER A: I can barely taste the alcohol. It’s mostly just watered-down grenadine. It’s too crowded.
SISTER B: At the bar?
SISTER A: In the glass. There’s not enough room for all the flavors. I can’t even taste the orange juice, and that’s pretty much the main ingredient.
SISTER B: If you don’t mind driving, we could head up 85 to Concord or Kannapolis.
SISTER A: I’m not interested in cocktails with only one ingredient.
Watch the full performance here.
SISTER B: At the bar?
SISTER A: In the glass. There’s not enough room for all the flavors. I can’t even taste the orange juice, and that’s pretty much the main ingredient.
SISTER B: If you don’t mind driving, we could head up 85 to Concord or Kannapolis.
SISTER A: I’m not interested in cocktails with only one ingredient.
Watch the full performance here.
"The Meandering Road to Loving My Baby" - She Rose Revolution (2021) - Creative Non-Fiction
(Originally titled "Ten Weeks and Two Days")
Before our son was born, my husband and I took the recommended baby health and safety classes. Yet, I didn’t quite feel like one Saturday spent watching birthing videos and practicing CPR had sufficiently prepared me to be a first-time parent. This hesitancy was later confirmed when my first words to my newborn son were, “What do I do?” In a room of trained professionals, no one answered. I guess they assumed it would be instinctual, that I would eventually figure it out. And, in some ways, I did. But, in others, I was grasping for reassurance that I was doing this motherhood thing right.
Before our son was born, my husband and I took the recommended baby health and safety classes. Yet, I didn’t quite feel like one Saturday spent watching birthing videos and practicing CPR had sufficiently prepared me to be a first-time parent. This hesitancy was later confirmed when my first words to my newborn son were, “What do I do?” In a room of trained professionals, no one answered. I guess they assumed it would be instinctual, that I would eventually figure it out. And, in some ways, I did. But, in others, I was grasping for reassurance that I was doing this motherhood thing right.
"Taking Care" - Arts for All - 4th Annual Teacher-Penned Play Festival (2021) - Drama
JEREN: He’s the only kid at Kindermusik who doesn’t sing along.
ZOE: Maybe that has more to do with the music selection than his speaking skills.
JEREN: There’s one little girl who knows every single word. She talks in complete sentences. She’s practically monologuing while our kid is chewing on his fingers.
ZOE: Well, girls develop faster than boys.
JEREN: When does that stop being science and become an excuse? He’s five and he still needs a bottle? “Don’t worry. He’ll get there.” He’s ten and he still sucks his thumb? “It’s okay. Boys develop slower.” He’s off to college and he’s still in diapers? “Cut him some slack. He just needs more time.”
ZOE: Maybe that has more to do with the music selection than his speaking skills.
JEREN: There’s one little girl who knows every single word. She talks in complete sentences. She’s practically monologuing while our kid is chewing on his fingers.
ZOE: Well, girls develop faster than boys.
JEREN: When does that stop being science and become an excuse? He’s five and he still needs a bottle? “Don’t worry. He’ll get there.” He’s ten and he still sucks his thumb? “It’s okay. Boys develop slower.” He’s off to college and he’s still in diapers? “Cut him some slack. He just needs more time.”
"Staff Meeting" - Davidson Community Players - Boos & Brews Festival (2020) - Drama
BLOODY MARY: Oo! What about an incentive program?
BOOGEYMAN: We’ve tried that before.
MANAGER: Back in the eighties the highest performing branch was awarded the soul of a virgin.
DRACULA: And good luck finding one of those these days. The best we could probably do is the soul of a crossing guard.
BOOGEYMAN: We’ve tried that before.
MANAGER: Back in the eighties the highest performing branch was awarded the soul of a virgin.
DRACULA: And good luck finding one of those these days. The best we could probably do is the soul of a crossing guard.
"Birth Right" - Purely Political Plays (2020) - Drama
ATTORNEY: So you got pregnant, completely ignored your legal obligation to obtain approval, and then sat around for nine months until the police showed up at your house in the middle of the night.
JENNA: Honestly, I really never thought they’d find out.
ATTORNEY: Well, they did and now you’re looking at eighteen years in minimum security.
JENNA: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You said five.
ATTORNEY: Five for the assault, which I can handle. But from everything you’ve said, you were intentionally negligent. That’s eighteen years. And what’s worse is you haven’t expressed any amount of regret. The court can’t show leniency unless you show some remorse.
JENNA: Honestly, I really never thought they’d find out.
ATTORNEY: Well, they did and now you’re looking at eighteen years in minimum security.
JENNA: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You said five.
ATTORNEY: Five for the assault, which I can handle. But from everything you’ve said, you were intentionally negligent. That’s eighteen years. And what’s worse is you haven’t expressed any amount of regret. The court can’t show leniency unless you show some remorse.
"Relaxation Room" - 3x10 Virtual Play Festival (2020) - Drama
RIVER: Do you have any experience with essential oils?
LOGAN: Oh, you mean, like those plug-in things that make the house smell like pumpkin waffles?
RIVER: Well...it’s not exactly...I mean there’s actually research and science and...basically, yeah. Think pumpkin waffles.
LOGAN: I don’t have any oils, though. I do have an unopened bottle of Febreeze.
RIVER: The actual oil isn’t as important as the memory itself. For example, many people find the smell of lavender relaxing. So we could visualize a field of lavender swaying in a cool and gentle breeze.
LOGAN: I’m allergic. And thinking about the outdoors makes me itchy. You see lavender, I see tiny bugs inside my ears.
RIVER: It doesn’t have to be lavender. We could try peppermint, which is often used for headaches caused by stress.
LOGAN: Well, now I’m just thinking about brushing my teeth. And candy canes. And Christmas. And chewing gum. And-
RIVER: Then how about frankincense?
LOGAN: You mean the green monster guy with bolts in his neck?
LOGAN: Oh, you mean, like those plug-in things that make the house smell like pumpkin waffles?
RIVER: Well...it’s not exactly...I mean there’s actually research and science and...basically, yeah. Think pumpkin waffles.
LOGAN: I don’t have any oils, though. I do have an unopened bottle of Febreeze.
RIVER: The actual oil isn’t as important as the memory itself. For example, many people find the smell of lavender relaxing. So we could visualize a field of lavender swaying in a cool and gentle breeze.
LOGAN: I’m allergic. And thinking about the outdoors makes me itchy. You see lavender, I see tiny bugs inside my ears.
RIVER: It doesn’t have to be lavender. We could try peppermint, which is often used for headaches caused by stress.
LOGAN: Well, now I’m just thinking about brushing my teeth. And candy canes. And Christmas. And chewing gum. And-
RIVER: Then how about frankincense?
LOGAN: You mean the green monster guy with bolts in his neck?
"The Punctuation of Past Relationships" - Twenty-Two Twenty-Eight (2018) - Creative Non-Fiction
I was not looking forward to turning twenty-seven. In fact, anything after twenty-five was just a bitter reminder that I was one year closer to thirty, which meant one more year of avoiding the increasing pressure from my mother that it was time to think about having kids. She was slowly losing subtlety. Last year’s gift bag included a collection of pastel baby bonnets. So, at first, I’m happy to be spending twenty-seven sitting in an airport eight-hundred miles away from another lecture about my reproductive responsibilities. That is until I receive an unexpected birthday message from my ex-whatever while sitting at my terminal gate.
*2017 Halloween Contest Finalist* - "Devil's Trap" - The Furious Gazelle (2017) - Fiction
There are rumors of a Devil’s Trap thirty minutes north of Raleigh. People claim it’s a perfect circle where nothing lives or grows. But it’s more than just a radius of scavenged dirt in the middle of the woods. Some say it’s being watched. They say that if you leave something behind, an artifact or maybe even a peace offering, it’s gone by morning. No one knows who comes to take it away, but nothing survives and nothing stays inside this circle of scorched earth.
"What's Your Name Again?" - The Furious Gazelle (2016) - Creative Non-Fiction
...I’d been to frat parties before. I’d been to frat parties, French parties and even theatre parties that never failed to include an ensemble rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody. While each party had its own agenda, they always ended the same: I left alone. I was well aware that my RBF and general hatred for most of the world’s population was not a turn on by any means. So on weekends I’d put aside the ripped pants and oversized shirts for a glittery tank top and way too much eyeshadow. I’m sure I looked as fake as I felt, but I wanted them to notice me the way they noticed Tab and Vikki and every other girl that warranted attention. Yes, it was a lie. I didn’t normally dress like that. I didn’t normally drink cheap beer and bob my head to indistinguishable sounds posing as rap music. They could get to know me later, though, after I’d lured them in with flashy colors and a plastic smile. But they never did. They never took the bait, and I was getting tired of sitting on the dock with my disappointment and a cheap pole.
"Sharing Isn't Always Caring" - Sweatpants & Coffee (2016) - Creative Non-Fiction
...The boy I’d been in love with for three years came to me one night and said he’d finally found a way to end my unyielding longing. “Have you ever heard of polyamory?” he asked. Being the exact kind of desperate he was attracted to, I couldn’t wait to hear the details. Originally, I wasn’t interested. He didn’t even seem that interested in the idea. His face didn’t light up at the prospect of being together. He plus a girlfriend equaled me sad. So how could he remedy this unfortunate dilemma? By being with both of us. It was a formula and we were all just factors in the equation to end my suffering.
"Abandoned" - Canto Online Literary Magazine (2014) - Creative Non-Fiction
...He calls me on a Sunday afternoon around four. He never calls me. I have a hard enough time getting him to return the calls that I leave lingering on the answering machine once a week just to make sure he’s not dead at the bottom of the basement stairs. There’s always an excuse for why he can’t come to the phone. He’s either cleaning the litter box or taking a nap or putting lotion on his hands. There’s always some reason I have to call back. I don’t mind; just as long as he’s still alive.
"Are you sitting down? Do you have a few minutes?" he asks.
Immediately, I’m anxious. Somebody must be dead. And there are only so many people it could be, all of whom are far too young to die naturally. I know I'm about to get some tragic news on this beautiful drive home from the grocery store. Maybe it's the cats. Come to think of it, he only sounds this concerned when one of them is sick or behaving strangely. Rosie is probably eating Ozzy's food again. I can handle the cats. Please, let it just be the cats...
"Are you sitting down? Do you have a few minutes?" he asks.
Immediately, I’m anxious. Somebody must be dead. And there are only so many people it could be, all of whom are far too young to die naturally. I know I'm about to get some tragic news on this beautiful drive home from the grocery store. Maybe it's the cats. Come to think of it, he only sounds this concerned when one of them is sick or behaving strangely. Rosie is probably eating Ozzy's food again. I can handle the cats. Please, let it just be the cats...
"Untold" - The Yellow Bird Literary Magazine (2012) - Creative Non-Fiction
...One by one I tear open the drawers tossing every article of clothing into the air. It rains t-shirts, trousers and tank tops. Every piece of fabric within arm’s length falls victim to my frenzy. My mind isn’t racing with reason or intent. I am only feelings, a pit of betrayal and pain. I grab a white undershirt hurling it towards the ceiling. That’s for driving me home under the influence of your insecurity. A torn, paint-stained button up lands just beyond the bed frame. That’s for stumbling down the basement stairs in front of all of my friends. Soon every drawer lies askew and a layer of destruction covers the cold hardwood floor. My throat lets out one last scream for sanity.
He stands in the doorway laughing...
He stands in the doorway laughing...
"The Gift" - The Great Lake Review (2008) - Creative Non-Fiction
...She sits behind her tattered notebook, this mini-version of myself. Her fourteen year-old inquisitive stare makes me proud to call her sister. An English assignment has put us here in her bedroom with a list of questions and my readiness to assist.
"What is the craziest thing you've ever done?" I chuckle to myself and dive into my own personal memory bank, back stroking between summers and school years to find an answer.
Suddenly it comes to me along with a look of distant bitterness.
"Craziest thing I've ever done? Told someone how I felt."
She smiles at me with satisfaction, "Good answer."...
"What is the craziest thing you've ever done?" I chuckle to myself and dive into my own personal memory bank, back stroking between summers and school years to find an answer.
Suddenly it comes to me along with a look of distant bitterness.
"Craziest thing I've ever done? Told someone how I felt."
She smiles at me with satisfaction, "Good answer."...
